During lockdown, everyone’s been busy making the most of social media to share hints and tips either for working from home, or for homeschooling our kids.

None of us know if and when we’ll fully return to work/have our kids taken off our hands in the name of meaningful education, so this blog is based around my own top tips for when you have to fulfil both roles at the same time. In other words, when you’re trying your best to keep your business or career alive, yet also have a responsibility to ensure that your offspring retain some level of consciousness along the way, too.

I should just point out that I’m not expected in any way to homeschool my child at this point because she’s only two, but she was at a brilliant nursery for a couple of days each week prior to this shitshow, so I have felt obliged to put on some kind of learning experiences for her whilst our worlds collide, even though I’m pretty sure she’s learned none of her skills from me to this point anyway. I used to be a teacher, as well, so I feel like I should be able to at least share good ideas even if I don’t practice them myself!

1. Make yourself feel in control amid this global fuck-up by fashioning a large, colourful chart; complete with Post-its, tick boxes, and jaunty spaces to make fun little notes that outline all the things that you need to be doing for work, so that you can visually keep track of clients, projects, promotion hopes, etc.
2. Take your beautiful chart and set fire to it. Best laid plans only work if there isn’t a cabin-fevered sproglet around to utterly destroy them – both figuratively and literally. Go ahead and save them a job. This was never going to work, anyway. No amount of Post-its is going to get you through this.
3. Much as you always said you’d never be that parent who plonked their kid down in front of the TV or iPad by way of hoping to keep them entertained and/or quiet, you’re going to have to suck it up. The good thing on this occasion is that there are actually some half-decent things getting uploaded or streamed live that are specifically designed to entertain kids of all ages during lockdown, with everything from exercise to art, and music to magic. This is your chance to throw your kids down in front of a screen and not feel guilty – yey! You’re practically Parent of the Year. (You’ll actually believe this for at least a week, so enjoy it).
4. It’s a bit ‘out there’, but quit your job! They say that parenthood is a full-time job in itself. Have a look into just doing that for the rest of your life. I bet it pays really well…
5. Perhaps a tad more ‘out there’… quit parenthood! I’m sure there’s some kind of shelter you can leave the kids at… perhaps leave them with a half-arsed note of apology and a box of their favourite snacks or something, so that everyone forgives you for being a bit of a cold-hearted bastard.
6. Right, who are we kidding, here. Just let your kids ‘be’ in the background of your calls and videos, for god’s sake. Everyone really is in the same boat right now, so they can’t be surprised – and they certainly can’t be pissed off with you – that you alternate talk of “strategic objectives” with off-camera yells of “In a MINUTE!” Seriously, you may as well just let your kids ‘happen’, because the more you try to control the situation, the less you actually will.
7. Accept that whilst this is all a bit shit that you now have responsibility for educating or even caring for your kid rather than have them take their rightful place in school or nursery whilst you attempt to earn a living to provide for the little shits, they ARE your children, and much as they’re irritating, ungrateful and inconvenient even on the days that you actually plan to spend with them, they need you right now, and they deserve to have your time. Yes, you have to work to keep them warm, fed and clothed, but this situation isn’t going to last forever, so accept that you’re more likely to get some quality work done if neither you or your offspring are feeling stressed. Go ahead, dig out the Lego/ X box/ glitter and glue.

Actually, don’t dig out the glitter. That stuff is evil.

I operate within these pieces of advice at some point in most weeks anyway; being a freelancer most of the week (working from home), and a mum for the rest of it. There are times when I’ve tried to play both roles at once, and perhaps caught up with some admin whilst Lily is engaged in something fairly constructive. Sometimes it really works and I pat myself on the back for being Career Mum of the Year, but in truth, most of the time I just wonder what the fuck I was thinking. Running a business and entertaining children do not mix. Unless you’re a children’s entertainer, obviously. And I think most of those probably drink.

I’m sorry that this blog wasn’t exactly like reading from the diaries of a domestic goddess, and that none of the suggestions involved anything that will massively help develop your business or your baby (whatever their age), but hopefully they’ll help you keep some of your sanity, and retain some of the calm that you might just need in your home whenever you find yourself attempting to work from home, seeing as you’re now pretty much a prisoner within it.

And you thought having kids was the definition of being trapped! Thank you, Corona, for letting us hold your beer.

Let me know how you get on, and in the meantime…

Stay safe, stay sane, hide the glitter.

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