I’m all for a good conversation, either in real life or on social media, and I’m one of those allegedly annoying people who always sends a ‘hello’ message to new connections. But, I’ve come to realise that a lot of conversations happening in my social media business boxes are starting (and subsequently ending) with questions that give me an inkling (LinkedInkling?) that things are going to go shit-shaped for me and you relatively quickly.

I just can’t be doing with pointless (yet seemingly planned) questions beeping away in my inbox. I can’t bring myself to say ‘DMs’, I’m sorry. I feel like I’m the wrong side of 22 to be able to pull that off…

In no particular order, here are some of the things that, seriously, when it comes to social media messaging, you just shouldn’t ask…

“What if I told you…?”

Stop. Nobody speaks like that in real life, unless they’re about to pitch you with some well-rehearsed and completely generic salesy-spiel about some kind of scheme or fix. Make up your mind if you’re asking me or telling me, but know that either way, it sounds like an offer I definitely can refuse.

“What are you up to today?”

This probably sounds like a harsh question to get annoyed about, but whilst I have no problem with it upon initial connection with someone as a lovely little pleasantry, it is so bloody redundant when it’s clear that our conversation has already ended -and it’s just plain creepy when it’s out of the blue and forming part of some kind of campaign at 4am.

“Have you ever thought about running a business that works around your family and where you can be your own boss?”

Bit awkward, that, as I think that’s exactly what I’m already fucking doing, Julie…

“Would you like to come and meet some like-minded business people on Thursday at 7.15am?”

If, by Thursday, you’ve admitted that you’re trying to get me to join your networking group, and/or I’ve figured out why you’re being so very cagey and cringey about it, Keith, I’ll see you there! Probably closer to 12, though. 7.15 is just disgusting.*

“Can we meet for coffee?”

Unless we’re already working together or involved in something, or it’s really clear that you and I would get along famously (in which case you’d know to suggest alcohol), no, I’m not doing the coffee thing. Believe me, it’s as much a waste of your time as it is mine.**

“Can I ask you a question?”

I don’t know, are we presently starring in a romantic comedy where that approach is deemed cute? Then, no.

“What do you do?”

I tell people who haven’t bothered reading my profile to stop wasting my fucking time, love. That’s what I do.

“Can I be cheeky and ask for a freebie? It’ll only take you two minutes…”

Of course you can be cheeky and of course you can ask, but I don’t think you’re going to like the answer, my friend. Even if I know you in person or have some kind of tie to you (which is never the case in these scenarios), your whole ‘two minutes’ thing has really pissed me off…. back the hell away.

“Here’s an unsolicited link to my stuff. Will you share my post and comment on it?”

Absolutely. The reason I’ve worked so damn hard creating my own content and building my own audience over the years is so that I can help boost the profile of complete strangers who have never once interacted with me. Sign me up!

I’d say that I also don’t like the questions where I get asked out on dates or propositioned in some seedy way, but I don’t actually get any of those, so I can’t really comment. I imagine people read my blogs like this one and assume I’m not worth the fucking hassle.

They’d be right! Don’t do it.

Now, I know I’ve never once spoken to you or supported you in what you do, but I’ve noticed you and you do really well on here, so… will you share my blog and comment on it, please?

*Rules for inviting me to your networking event

**No, I don’t want to meet for coffee

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