“This is so judgemental!” came the cry from one of my critics on a recent post I’d put out into the world of social media.

She was damn right. It was.

That’s the thing about opinions, angles, takes, and musings on the concepts we choose to share with others in places including social media. They are our judgements, whether we like to admit to subscribing to such a negatively weighted term or not. They are the things we observe, the things we identify, and the things we make a call on in line with our own values, beliefs, and pathways of action through life.

I judgementally think we’re all very judgemental of being judgemental, given the fact that we nearly always make out that it’s a bad thing. Whilst I understand that if you fire off a phrase that comes across as plain insulting, or that gives neither a context nor a frame of reference to suggest there may be something to think about or weigh-up in contrast, having and offering judgement can also be a positive thing. It offers an alternative viewpoint, it challenges a singular line of thinking, and it holds people and situations accountable, for a start. Oh, and don’t get me started on the fact that if you’re actively against people potentially calling you out on something you’ve said or done, you should perhaps scribble your musings on the bathroom mirror or a colourful Post-It Note, rather than all over your social media profile. Food for thought.

Over the weekend, I called one of the people in my membership group “immensely brave“. I called my daughter “a clever little thing“. I called a client “so hilarious I may soil myself*“. All positive and lovely, right? But they’re still judgements, so if you’re going to take issue with people being ‘judgemental’, straight away you’re going to have to accept that it’s time you stopped sharing your lavender-scented honey-covered opinions as well, seeing as they are indeed, judgemental as hell.

I’m judgemental as a result of three things, and only one of them is because I’m bit of a cynical and mouthy bitch who (albeit never without consequence) has the right to disagree with something someone says or does and decides to run with it.

The second thing is that I wholeheartedly insist on standing up and speaking out when I believe someone has said or done something that doesn’t merely jar with my opinion, but is instead actively or potentially damaging in some way. Hell yes, I’d judge you if I personally take an issue with you. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t return the favour. Admittedly, it’s not always good or right to go the full pig and unleash holy hell, but I can call you out and hold you accountable if I feel it’s the right thing to do. I’d encourage others to do the same.

The third thing is that, well, I’m human. It would be bloody ridiculous as a sentient being to even deny that I have judgemental thoughts in my head and judgemental bones in my body. We ALL judge – including the people up there on their vertically impressive steeds who retort with “I would NEVER judge somebody…“. The irony of claiming you’re definitely not judging someone, whilst opening with a phrase that positively screams your distaste for what they’re doing… Hilarious. We’ve all got a line waiting to be crossed.

Admittedly, some of us are a bit more loud-mouthed in our judginess in the sense that we don’t mind saying what’s in our heads or what other people are thinking, but just because you’re sitting quietly, reservedly, and with no desire for drama (I envy you, by the way), it doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily a better person than Loudmouth Larry and his penchant for saying things like “Well you’re a bit of a tool, aren’t you, Tony“, whilst you sit back and nod along silently in agreement that what Tony’s just said or posted does indeed mark him out as somewhat of a spanner.

For the purpose of balance and fairness, I will say that we don’t always have to say what’s in our heads. I totally get that and support the notion that it’s not always a positive or conducive move. In my own case, however, I figure that my face will say what I’m thinking anyway so I may as well just vocalise (but that’s something you’ll learn quickly should you ever have to work with me). However, the actions that result even from internalised or silent judgements can still have an impact. You don’t have to physically tell someone you think they’re a terrible parent, but if you stop your kid from playing with theirs based on the thoughts you hold, you’re no less judgemental than the parent who gobs off about that person on Facebook. At least they’re honest (if not completely bloody vile – oops, there I go again).

Without rational thought and the willingness to learn, judgements (vocalised or internalised) can cause problems, but we can’t possibly shape our own beliefs or behaviours – or align ourselves with the things we like and aspire to be – without them. You can imagine how pissed off I get when an accusation of being judgemental is the first and usually only comeback to something I’ve put out into the world. Give me details, people! How so is my opinion less judgey than yours? Educate me, pray tell.

The bit that really jars with me through all this, though – and I cannot be the only person thinking it…

By going balls-deep with the statement of marking someone out as hugely judgemental… aren’t you yourself being, well, hugely judgemental? When we call someone out for being judgey (and I’ve done it myself), what we mean is, ‘Your judgement isn’t the same as mine, and therefore, I don’t like it and will bloody tell you about it.’

Let’s always be prepared to point those fingers back on ourselves, hey?

And no, I didn’t soil myself.

Believe me, I’d have been the first to judge, if I had.